what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?