Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”