GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
it was love at first sight
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.