*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
He just like my cat fr
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
it’s the silliest best thing
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water