forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Guilty! 🤪
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Is this a threat?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?