*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.