fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Meow
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE