Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.