[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.