Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*