Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’ve had worse
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me if I was a dog
I missed you with all my darts
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…