Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
These work great until they don’t.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN