sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: