F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
This made me chuckle.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*