Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…