Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.