What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?