I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.