One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me