[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I bet birds love this building.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.