My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.