sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds