I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m confused about plants
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds