[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”