Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Where is your GOD now????
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If only.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
why would tinder want me to say this