I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
3% human
97% stress
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Wednesday
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool