My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
You Might Also Like
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
this is the best interaction on twitter
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
not for long
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.