judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic