Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.