I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?