Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
You Might Also Like
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Breaking news:
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away