My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.