I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Free him
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.