me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible