Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.