Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.