[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.