Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Very good news from my accountant
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.