Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT