My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.