If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you