Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone