relationship goals
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.