*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?