– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
You Might Also Like
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Not even remotely sorry.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.