EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
oh my god
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Am I having a stroke?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me