interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
new wife guy just dropped
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or