Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Need WebMD
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
sliding into dms like
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.