It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos