American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
What a website
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?